I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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