she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
