i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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