highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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