we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
