i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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