also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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