Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
