theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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