I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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