Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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