I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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