why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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