Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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