I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
