i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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