oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
