Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
