She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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