So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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