i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
