If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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