i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
