It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
