i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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