moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
