y did u give ur computer a hand job?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
