I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
