he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
