you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
