I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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