I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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