Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
