i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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