so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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