I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just pee around me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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