my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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