I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
