I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
