remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
