Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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