I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
