last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
