The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
