Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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