I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
