This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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