Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
