I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
