Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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