okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
