Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
