He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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